FWB is the friendzone for women

It just occurred to me (and I’m sure I’m not the first one to make this observation) that “friends with benefits” to women is what the friendzone is to men.

In the friendzone women get most of what they desire from men, such as companionship, dedication, and validation without giving up their romantic affection or intimacy. Men in the friendzone get nothing but frustration.

The flipside is in friends with benefits, guys get most of what they want, such as companionship and sexual intimacy, without giving up commitment. Sure, women get sexual pleasure too but women aren’t men, no matter how much popular culture tells they can be go out and be slutty with no guilt, it’s not what they really want. They want a man committed to them. A FWB situation will ultimately lead to frustration for women.

Now, I submit that being a FWB is unfulfilling for men too, but it’s not nearly as much as it is for women.

I’ve been in FWB relationships before when I was much younger and more callous. It’s a dead end and totally a waste of time and energy. Every single time it ended with the woman trying to get a bigger commitment out of me, and her being devastated when I said no.

The frienzone and FWBs are both cruel and damaging for all parties involved. It’s just that the friendzone hurts men more and FWBs hurts women more. They are opposite sides of the same coin.

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Watch the Millionaire Matchmaker

The Millionaire Matchmaker is a show on Bravo where Patti Stanger, a professional matchmaker finds dates for wealthy people. Usually the wealthy person is a guy but sometimes they have women.

I have to admit that I love this show. Why? Because nearly every guy she has on the show is broken in some way and you can learn a lot by watching it. They guys may be fantastically successful in business but they usually have one or more flaws when it comes to dealing with women. Don’t pay any attention to what Patti says about the guys. Sometimes she calls the guys things like “the fixer” or “the cliffdiver” and it’s all bullshit to fit whatever narrative they have. Just watch the guys, look how comfortable or uncomfortable they are in their skin, and watch them interact with women. It becomes painfully clear what’s wrong with them.

Oh, and I have to say here to not listen to any of the dating advice from Patti Stanger. Some of it is good, probably 60%, but there’s so much bad intermixed with her advice that it’s too much work to sift through bullcrap in it. I might get into it in another post, or I might not. Net net is just observe the guys.

Now, I have to admit that if I could trade places with these guys, meaning I’d be successful in business and struggling with dating, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

Anyway, I think it’s instructive to watch to show to see some of the fatal flaws that even the most successful men have, and to see if you can spot them in yourself.

Here is an episode I recently saw. It’s not the best example but it’s one that’s fresh in my mind. There are two guys in this episode, a hip hop mogul and a plastic surgeon.

Now, I usually just watch the first half, up to and including the mixer where they meet all the women. I usually skip the date part. The dates are almost always worthless, and boring with nothing to gain from watching them.

It’s not the best example because the hip hop guy seems to have his act together. He puts on a little bit of a bravado act, but that comes with the territory of being involved in hip hop. When he talks to the women he’s hangs back, he assesses the women, he’s not too eager. He seems fine.

The plastic surgeon on the other hand, that guy’s effed up. His whole persona is like an act. It’s like he’s standing outside himself, watching himself play a character. Like when he berates the hip hop dude about liking cuddling. Who the F cares? I don’t care what another man likes to do. The fact that the surgeon is so adamant and vocal about it to another man says that he ‘s more concerned about projecting the image of a player. The fact is that this surgeon guy is playing a character. It’s weak. It’s approval seeking. Some gold digger who is after his money won’t care, but any quality woman will be able to see it clearly and avoid him.

Another thing about the surgeon is his sole driver is sex, which to me if off putting. He’s like a gay man, except he’s after pussy instead of cock. It’s a huge turn off and in many ways, anti-masculine. A man is defined by his greater purpose. Self indulgence is not a greater purpose. Maybe the surgeon has a greater purpose but it’s buried beneath layers and layers of bullshit.

A better episode to watch is season 6, episode 11. I can’t find it on youtube but one of the guys was in the band Matchbox 20. It was interesting to see that even a rock star, a guy who has probably been through a ton of groupies, is still an attention hungry validation seeker. Just watch the guy interact with women and it’s fascinating to see how unattractive it is, even coming from a rock star.

Dating Advice…”Just Be Yourself”?

One of the things I hate about blogging, and this has happened a couple of times now, is when I have an idea for a blog post and it turns out it’s been written before. I had an idea for a post titled “Just be yourself – the best and the worst dating advice.”

Well, I found out that not only had it already been written before, but with the EXACT same title. I read it, and man…it’s good. Really good. Here are some quotes, but really, read the whole thing.

When she’s saying “be yourself,” she’s not trying to be vague; she just wants a relaxed and confident version of you and has trouble articulating what that looks like. She’s not saying you should accept the habits that have held you back. If you’re emotionally erratic, dependent, or socially awkward, that is not you. If you’re clumsy, anxious, depressed, or bitter, that is not you. If you’re bad at fashion, overweight, or unattractive, that is not you. If you’re needy for her validation, that is not you. When she tells you to “be yourself,” she’s not telling you to act true to those things.

Instead, she (and every other girl on Earth) is telling you to develop a strong identity and assert the fuck out of it. Decide specifically who you’re going to be – independent of anyone else – and live your life from that perspective. She’s telling you to stop seeking the approval of other people, decide what you are, and discover how to be happy in that. A wonderful exercise is to imagine the guy you want to be –remember, independent of women – and fill a page with descriptions of his behaviors, his looks, his vibe.

I’m not sure I can improve on that. It’s all really good. What I can do it give you my take on it, and maybe add a little bit too.

My take is that inside of every man is a pure unadulterated version of himself. Who you are as a person and what your mission is in life is the pure version of you. The validation seeking, the social anxiety, the nervousness, the sucking up to women…those are all coping mechanisms.  It’s all bullshit.

The problem is that a lot of pickup techniques I’ve seen are just that, techniques. In their own way they’re bullshit too. If you lay bullshit on top of bullshit, all you have is two layers of bullshit smothering the authentic person inside.

The reason why “just be yourself” is the worst dating advice is that there’s no specificity. What’s better are specific techniques to strip away that layer of bullshit to get to the real person underneath, not lay more bullshit on top.

The reason why “just be yourself” is the best dating advice is that it’s the ultimate goal. To get to the real you. In a very zen way, it’s the ultimate dating advice.

My addition to the conversation is this, and I’m probably repeating myself here: let’s say you get really good at pickup techniques and you can successfully attract women. Let’s say you’re so good that you successfully attract a super hot but totally wrong woman for you. Well, if attracting women is a game, then you’ve lost the game.

The most valuable, most scarce resource you have is your short time on earth. By getting the wrong woman, you are wasting your time and your life energy. I don’t care how hot she is, there are some damaged women out there. The wrong woman can sap your life energy and leave you empty and broken. You lose your time spent with her, the time spent picking up the pieces, and the time building yourself back up.

Using the best and worst dating advice – just being yourself – is a good (but not foolproof) way to filter out the wrong ones and get down to only the women you should, and ultimately want to, be with.

Further thoughts on online dating

Previous post here.

As I stated in my previous entry, I’ve given up on online dating before I even began. It’s just not for me. I’m currently very happy with my offline (meaning real life) dating opportunities. Yet I continual browse profiles. It’s addicting to keep viewing profiles. I’ve come to the conclusion that people who go to online dating, or at least OK Cupid, aren’t the same kind of people you meet in real life. Or maybe they’re representing themselves differently online.

One thing I always tell guys is that, counterintuitively, attractive women are generally nicer than unattractive or average looking women. This is especially true if you’re a decent looking guy. Not drop dead handsome, just decent – meaning fit, dressed well…things that you have control over.

Conventional wisdom says that average looking or unattractive girls get so little attention that they’re just happy for the company. I’ve never found that to be true. I don’t do pickup but I’m a friendly guy. I like to talk to people, and most of the time when I go up to an unattractive girl or girls, they give me the bitch face.  When I go up to attractive women, they are usually genuinely nice and welcoming. I’ve made a lot of friends and met some girlfriends this way. In my experience, attractive women are just friendlier.

Now when I say attractive, I mean attractive but she is a normal girl, not a club slut. What do I mean by normal? A normal girl acts like a normal human being. A club slut is a narcissistic attention whore. I have no interest in club sluts.


So I find attractive, normal, girls to be way more approachable, friendly, and generally more pleasant in real life.

In online dating, or at least on OK Cupid, this is exactly the opposite. The attractive women online generally come off as extremely difficult, demanding, almost bitchy. Now, I understand it’s online dating. They’re going to get a ton of hits so they can choose to be picky and difficult in their profiles. But do they have to be bitchy too? Attractive women online act like ugly women in real life – like total bitches.

It also plays out in my match percentages. Who knows how accurate these percentages are. I have my doubts. The attractive women on OK Cupid have very low match %s with me, like 20% and below. That’s probably because I answer the questions like the chaste guy I am. It’s really amazing how the most attractive women on OKC will answer “YES” to questions about having a one night stand, sex on the first date, or having an open relationship. Keep in mind, these are normal attractive women, not club slut looking women, or at least that’s how they portray themselves in their profile pictures.

One particular question sticks out to me. It’s the one where they ask if you would want a match to be kinkier than you. The majority of the attractive women I see on OK Cupid answer “not possible.”

Look, I’m a chaste Christian now but I haven’t always been. I highly doubt that some ditzy 23 year old girl has done some of the twisted shit that I’ve done in my past. The difference is that I’m not proud of any of it. It’s in my past, I’ll answer honestly if anyone asks me, but I’ve learned from my past and I have no pride about any of it. These girls are proud to be kinky and slutty. Yet they don’t look like the club sluts in their OKC pictures.

Yeah, I think it’s just a different breed of people who go online. I’ve seen literally hundreds of profiles in my area and I know a lot of people around here. I’m a very social guy and meet people all the time. The entire time, I’ve only met two people out and about who’s profiles I’ve seen on OK Cupid.

St Patrick’s Day is now another gay pride day

So the Boston and New York St Patrick’s Day parade wanted to keep their parades about St Patrick and not turn it into another gay pride event. But this is America, so every public gathering is now a gay pride event.

To protest this hate crime, three beer companies have pulled their sponsorship of the parades. These beer companies are:

  • Heineken
  • Sam Adams
  • Guinness

And it occurred to me – companies take stands like this all the time but there’s really no central place to keep track. I mean, there’s a great site where you can find out the names of beautiful actresses in tv ads, but nowhere to find out when a company steps into the realm of politics and social issues.

So I decided to start another blog. Whenever I see a company take a controversial stand, I’ll try to post it. It won’t be all bad. Maybe you’ll like what companies have to say. I think consumers should know who is getting their money though.

Here’s the new blog: http://whogetsmymoney.wordpress.com/

On being Asian and a defense of white American women

I want to talk about American women, specifically American white women. They get bashed a lot in the manosphere, and I think a lot of it is deserved. They form the backbone of the current psychotic and schizophrenic wing of feminism that celebrates sluttiness, but still considers consensual sex with men to be rape. These feminists celebrate obesity like it’s a healthy choice and criticize any woman who dares stay in shape or makes herself pretty for men.

I don’t think I need to link to any manosphere posts bashing American women. There are lots of them out there, many even recommending men go abroad to find foreign women. Well, I want to defend American white women, at least a subset of them. Yes, they are the bulk of the feminists. But don’t forget that women of color and foreign women can be insane feminists too. Just look at Pussy Riot or the Femen. Or the ethnic studies departments of any university which are full of foreign, feminist/socialist women. On the other hand, some of the highest quality women I know are white American women.

But first I want to talk about my own history with women, both white and Asian.

I am Asian. I had a very sheltered homelife up until I went to college. From the outside, it seemed like I was one of the popular kids. I wasn’t a geek, and I actually played in all the major high school sports. But the truth was my parents weren’t very social. They speak terrible English and we didn’t socialize with any of the other local families. I had no knowledge of American manners or customs within the home. To give you an example, the custom of passing plates around during dinner was foreign to me. We always ate like typical Asians – family style. Needless to say I wasn’t allowed to date at all.

When I traveled from Michigan to North Carolina for college, it was a huge transition. I had no idea how to socialize outside of a high school setting so I ended up only making friends with other Asians. One contributing factor might have been the fact that I had no other Asians in my high school. That was a big change, just seeing groups of other Asians who weren’t my family. It was exciting to me. I had always been attracted to Asian girls, but had never been around so many before.

So the first couple of years in college, all my friends were other Asians and I only dated (and slept with) Asian girls. Then my sophomore year I met and fell in love (at least I thought it was love) for the first time. Her name was Meagan.

Long story short, I dated Meagan for most of my sophomore year but we broke up. That breakup and what happened next devastated me. After we broke up, she hooked up with and ended up dating a white guy. For some reason, this exploded my world and sent me spiraling into depression. I took her virginity and I thought she would belong to me forever. I just couldn’t handle it.

I was having trouble dating again. In addition to my lingering depression about Meagan, which didn’t help, I couldn’t muster up any kind of motivation to get back out there to date. Plus, I was growing. I’d always been really tall. I was a little over 6 feet when I entered college but by the end of sophomore year I was pushing 6’4″. Not a skinny 6’4″ either, but a thick muscular 6’4″, 220lbs. Most of the Asian girls around were barely 5’4″ tops and really skinny. I looked like a freak of nature standing next to them. I’m pretty sure the Asian girls thought I was scary looking.

That summer after sophomore year I decided to expand my dating options and I started pursuing white girls. And to make a very long story short, I’ve never looked back. I’ve dated white women exclusively since then for personal reasons. I still think Asian women are terrific – they’re beautiful and exotic looking. They can be wonderful people too. For me, culturally and to a lesser extent physically white women are more compatible. Plus they seem to like me better than any other ethnicity. I would expound on this but this tangent has gone on long enough.

After I converted from atheism to Christianity, I got to meet some of the most traditional, personally conservative women I know, the kind of woman that the manosphere tells you is worth committing to. Some examples:

  • One young woman was living in a house with 3 other single people, 2 guys and another girl. She developed a huge crush one of the guys. There was a lot of flirting going on between them and she was developing strong feelings for him. What did she do? She moved out of the house. She was testing him and it was her way of saying to him “your move…do something meaningful to advance the relationship,” while maintaining her chastity. The guy failed. He didn’t pursue her and ended up dating another girl. She made the right choice. Btw – she was and still is a virgin, and she’s under 25.
  • Another woman was a recent graduate of UC Berkeley. She was also a virgin, but she felt that she was exposed to so much party/secular culture in college that she wasn’t ready for marriage. She put off dating and spent every day talking to her priest to get her ready for marriage. She spent 2 whole years in her own pre-marriage bootcamp with her priest, saying no to any guy who asked her out. When she was ready, she opened herself up to dating again and eventually married a guy. That guy put a ring on her hand, a hand that had never touched another man sexually, and he kissed her on the lips, lips that had never been anywhere close to another man’s penis. She is now a stay at home mom, happily homeschooling their two kids.
  • One woman was on the cheerleading squad at a major Big 10 college. She looks like your typical serial monogamous American woman. Her facebook page has pictures from sorority parties she’s attended. She’s beautiful and she dresses extremely well, but whoever marries her will marry a virgin. Not a “technical virgin” but an actual, chaste woman.
  • There are a group of married women who get together to support each other. This is not a bitch den where they get sit around and talk bad about their husbands. No, they support each other and make sure they stay on track with their wifely duties (similarly, their husbands get together and keep each other accountable to their husbandly duties). If any woman were to badmouth her own husband in this group, the other women would call her out on it.

Every woman I described above is a white American woman. Most of them believe that a husband is the proper leader of the household. A surprising number of them would agree with a lot of what manosphere believes, even on issues of women in the workplace or women’s suffrage (I don’t want to get into either of these topics here. They’re both very complicated and require a lot more discussion).

As I stated, I’ve seen a lot of the manosphere recommend men to go abroad and find a foreign woman. Well, I’ve seen situations where that can backfire. I know a guy who met and married a girl from the Philippines. They had a kid. Well that woman one day took their son and disappeared. He’s never seen his son since, and that was over 10 years ago. And remember the David Goldman case? Marrying a Brazilian woman nearly ruined his life. By contrast, the women I described above are surrounded by a community, friends, family, and a church which will reinforce to them to stay committed to their husbands and their family.

So what about the non-white women who are devout and personally conservative their whole lives? In my experience I haven’t met them. What I have met are women who are either new to the church or returning to the church after having lived a secular life. They’re born again chaste, I guess. Let me be clear, there are plenty of white girls who fit this description too, girls who went off to college and did the typical college coed thing, maybe even graduated and lived the serial monogamous or slutty single girl lifestyle only to find that it’s sad and depressing. These girls come in all ethnicities. But the girls who make a conscious decision, the ones who know and come from American culture, who have surveyed the American cultural landscape and have affirmatively made the decision to live a chaste life throughout their life, they have all been white girls.

You see, that’s another danger. You can have someone who has lived a sheltered religious life, someone who has never been tempted. And once they get exposed to sin, they go off the deep end of sinful oblivion. A better bet is someone who has observed the wasted life that chasing pleasure leads to, someone who makes a conscious decision to be chaste from an informed standpoint.

My point is not to say that white American women are the best. My point is that they get a bad rap, but there are a lot of very good white American women out there.

What happens when strangers kiss?

I saw this on Huffingtonpost. The director took 20 strangers, paired them off and got them all to kiss for the first time as part of an ad campaign.

Since we’re in the times we’re in, they had to include a lesbian couple and a gay couple. But I swear every single one of the guys seems gay, except for one guy. The only guy who doesn’t look gay is the guy in the white t-shirt and funky knit cap at 1:15.

Watch how the supposedly straight men kiss the women. Watch the video the whole way through. All the men, except for the one I pointed out, approach the women extremely timidly. When they actually kiss, the women are the aggressors. The men just stand and receive, or even timidly back away slightly. The women go in hard. The one non-gay looking guy is the only one who isn’t timid. He seems about equal with his woman.

Aside from that one guy, every other guy is a massive pussy. The gay guys look more masculine than the supposedly straight guys.

The pussified men, the Lilith Faire music, the unattractive (for the most part) women…the whole video is disgusting to watch. And of course huffpo and the Youtube commenters love this. They think it’s sweet.

Our culture is lost.

UPDATE:

Okay, I watched it again. The first guy, also in a grey t-shirt, doesn’t seem gay, and he’s not timid in the kiss. That makes 2 out of the 10 guys who don’t look or act gay.