In my previous post on this topic, I said that dumping your feelings on the girl is the wrong thing to do.
But I just saw the absolute worst way to get out of the friendzone – asking her to marry you right on the spot…before you even start dating. If you do this she’ll likely say no. But if you’re really unlucky, she’ll say yes. This example from the highly criticized Jenny Erikson:
Leif was my best friend in the entire world. He knew everything about me. He was my shoulder to cry on when I went on bad dates. I knew everything about him, and even listened to his work stories that I didn’t even understand because I don’t understand computers. But we were just friends.
Seven months before I put on that white dress, we watched Life With Mikey. I have no idea why. But that’s the movie that we watched. When it ended, he leaned over and kissed me. I hit him. And then I said three words that changed everything.
Do it again.
So he did. And we kissed. For a while. And then, this man that I loved more than life itself, but only in a platonic fashion just the hour before, asked me to marry him.
I said yes.
Take that all in. They were just friends, best friends even. She cried on his shoulder about men she dated. Out of nowhere he kissed her. And then he asked her to marry him one hour later.
Read the rest of her post. She was contemplating running away right up to her wedding ceremony. This was not a woman who was giddy in love. Of course, and predictably, they are now divorced.
I know Jenny Erikson takes a lot of criticism in the manosphere. That’s not my purpose in writing this post. I only want to talk about the relational dynamics. Let’s genericize this situation. From now on, I’m going to talk about this situation in the hypothetical, with a generic couple in this same exact situation – the guy is desperately in love and deep in the friendzone. The girl sees him as a non-sexual being, so much so that she talks about other guys with him. They kiss and after one hour two incredible (and very sad) things happen: 1) he asks her to marry him, and 2) she says yes.
On the first point, I can’t fathom how a man can ask a woman he hasn’t dated to marry him. It shows a fundamental lack of self respect and foresight. He surrendered to his desire for one woman, without any regard for what his relationship with this woman was doing to him. Ultimately it’s this same mindset that allowed him to get into the friendzone in the first place amplified a thousandfold. It’s harmful to him and to her, which leads me to the second point.
What kind of woman says yes to a marriage proposal from a man one hour after her first kiss with him? A man who she has never regarded as romantic possibility? A woman who has given up, that’s who. She probably has a type that she’s drawn to and he clearly wasn’t that type. Her type had her hurt, beaten down. Out of nowhere, her white knight best friend proposes marriage. He is her ticket out of her cycle of the hurt and betrayal she suffers from the men she really loves. In her dazed and wounded state, she says yes.
The man is too giddy in his elation at finally getting the girl of his dreams to stop to contemplate what he’s doing to himself. He doesn’t stop to think about what kind of damaged creature would say yes to such a proposal. The fact that a woman would even keep a man in the friendzone says a lot about her (none of it good) but it’s up to the man to act on the information presented to him.
I’m not absolving the woman of blame in this situation. She is clearly wrong for divorcing him, but as men, all we can do is be strong, make decisions, and most importantly make the right decisions. The guy in this scenario was not strong, otherwise he wouldn’t have been in the friendzone in the first place. He made a decision, but he made a grimly tragic decision by letting his feelings for one woman, regardless of her present lack of character, override his better judgment.
I’ve been in this very situation before – I kissed a girl I was friends with, completely out of the blue. We were only friends before that. After the kiss, we dated for a while but then I decided we weren’t right for each other and I broke off the relationship. I don’t think she felt the same way. Judging from the way she acts around me, I get the sense that she sees me as the one who got away.
However, my relationship with the girl leading up the kiss was vastly different from the scenario above. I was never in love with her. I found her attractive but I viewed her as just a friend, and I dated other women. I never let her talk to me about the guys she dated, not that she tried to. It wouldn’t have hurt my feelings, I just didn’t care and she knew it. That’s what her girlfriends are for. As a male friend, I served a different purpose in her life. Her personal-diary-with-a-penis was not one of them.
I think that there is a natural interplay between men and women that should be maintained at all times. Even if you’re just friends, male and female friends serve different roles for each other. Confusing those roles is harmful for both people, even if sexual attraction never comes into play.
A man who allows himself to be a kept male friend like this is decimating his capacity as a leader. Even in a platonic friendship between a man and a woman, the man should still maintain a leadership role within the bounds of chastity.
A girl who keeps a love struck friendzone guy around for errands and in case her weekend plans fall through is using him.
Ever since I’ve become a Christian, I’ve met many devout, mature Christian women. When these women are around weak men, men who would likely let themselves slide into that female friend role, they feel uneasy and they avoid such men.
A woman who surrounds herself with orbiters and lapdogs might think she’s powerful, as she collects “likes” on her Facebook selfies, but it’s a surefire sign of weakness, narcissism, and pridefulness.
AJ in SF 